okay but corgis are the wildest baseline doggo, u breed a corgi with any other pure bred and the dog will look like a short corgilicious version of the non-corgi breed
reblog if you’re a REAL 90s kid who participates in the social war against rebelling italian allies and dies from an arrow wound after getting shot by an angry marsic warrior
catullus: Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him
lucretius: World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?
horace: Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks
vergil: Beekeeper Slowly Becoming Bee Hoarder
propertius: Area Man Having One Of His Little Bursts Of Energy Where He Tries To Write A Song
ovid: Oh, God, Area Man Making His Move
tibullus: Smitten Man Can’t Believe Woman He’s On Date With Also Into The Beatles
sulpicia: 45% Of Items In Woman’s Apartment Have Word ‘Love’ Written On Them
lucan: Where Are You Now, When We Need You Most, Rage Against The Machine?
martial: Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult
juvenal: Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga
hera: threw her child off mountain because he was ugly
laius: left oedipus on a cliff because of a prophecy
chronus: enjoyed a nice baby bbq because of a prophecy
minos: wife became pregnant by a bull because he wouldn’t sacrifice the bull to poseidon like he was supposed to, later imprisoned bull-man child in a labyrinth
midas: loved gold so much that, when granted a wish for taking care of silenus, he asked dionysus for the ability to turn things to gold, accidentally turned daughter into gold
silenus: foster father of dionysus, was constantly drunk and one time just sort of drunkenly wandered away from dionysus, leading to the midas story
niobe: got pissed off that there was a big celebration for leto, bragged that she had a bunch more kids than leto, proceeded to get almost all of her children killed by artemis as a result
zeus: slept with basically every woman he ever came across, thus putting his 8000 resulting children in danger of being killed by hera. probably bad at paying the mounting child support bills for said 8000 children
Jan 23
contestants for “parent of the year” in greek mythology
1. gauls are invading the city! what do you do? a. nothing. we could use some fresh leadership! b. cower in terror within my luxurious palatine home c. consult the sacred chickens for guidance and ready myself to die with my front facing the enemy
2. greeks- what’s the deal with ‘em? a. who needs any of that fancy letter learnin b. love them! c. i mean, they’re okay i guess. not as great as us but they’re okay
3. pants are coming into fashion and you face becoming a laughingstock if you don’t start wearing them. do you bite the bullet and try them on? a. GODS, took long enough! b. well they are not as free as a tunic but they are rather sexy c. i would rather lay naked before the statue of jupiter optimus maximus than wear this outfit of barbarians
4. a woman and a slightly moldy pumpkin are both running for consul. who do you vote for? a. i withhold my vote and secretly hope for gallic invasion b. the woman, obviously c. well, we survived claudius once already, so i’ll take the moldy pumpkin
5. how do you serve your wine? a. wine? beer’s where it’s at b. i serve good wine, and lots of it! c. well-watered and sparingly so as to keep hold of my faculties and enjoy pleasant conversation with friends rather than drunken cavorting
6. you have been invited to a toga party! do you accept? a. shit, i don’t own a toga, better just throw a bedsheet on b. how delightful! i do hope they serve plenty of sow’s vulva c. while i am curious as to how these people plan to dine while wearing the cumbersome toga, i decline, as i must tend to my duties as paterfamilias
after you finish answering, check to see how roman you are!
if you answered “a” at any point: thou wretched barbarian, off to the tarpeian rock with thee!
if you answered “b” at any point: what are you, some kind of hippie etruscan or effeminate philhellene? you lack the self-respect of a true roman
if you answered “c” every time: congratulations! jupiter smiles on you and your family, and there is surely a consulship in your future
clodius pulcher: mostly loved to cause a ruckus. notorious cross-dresser and prince-stealer
cicero: spent most of his political career insulting people he didn’t like (see mark antony). was so proud of saving the republic that he wrote two epic poems about how great he is
julius caesar: gained power by beating the shit out of his opponents but at least tried to help the poor. once received a sext from his girlfriend in the middle of a senate meeting which was then angrily read by said girlfriend’s half-brother who thought it was evidence that he was participating in a conspiracy
cato the elder: main political achievement that he is remembered for was screaming that carthage must be destroyed at the end of every speech
didius julianus: purchased the roman empire at an auction and was later executed for being useless
mark antony: frat boy politician well-known for wearing the ancient equivalent of booty shorts and coming to political meetings hungover
pupienus: ruled for three months before being assassinated by the praetorian guard. name is pronounced “poopy anus”
Jan 23
ancient politicians who would still make better presidents than donald trump
